Tuesday Ponderings

These pictures always post out of order! UGh!

This is Zade's first bottle! 3 days old!
We've finally gotten to hold him at 2 days old

A happy Mama!

I came back from the OR empty handed. I was sad.




This was right after he was born.

Today, is Tuesday, July 13, 2010.....2 days before my baby boy turns 3! That's amazing to me. You see, July 15, 2007 it was a Sunday morning. My alarm went off at 7am like it normally does and I got up to take my shower and begin getting dressed for church but I realized something wasn't right. I had an eery feeling my water had broke. I woke Matt up and told him and we called the doctor since I was a month from my due date. We didn't want to call any family in case it was a false alarm but I packed my bag just in case. We got Gracie dressed and off we went to the hospital. By about 10:45a they had determined that my water had broken and I was dialated to about 2 cm so they began to prepare me for a c-section. We were frantically trying to get a hold of family. Matt's parents were on vacation in Montana or somewhere far away (against my warnings, I like to add!) Everyone else was at their church without their cell phones except my brother in law who was able to tell my parents and they all rushed up there. Eventually, people got there before they took me back to the OR and were able to stay with Gracie so that Matt could be present! The C-section went off without a hitch. At 12:21p Zade Gail Darter was born! But he wasn't responding like he should. His weight was great for an 36 weeks gestation ( 6lbs. 14oz) but he was crying so hard he wasn't breathing properly. It turns out this one of his lungs was a little under-developed and they took him to the NICU immediately. After they finished me up, before taking me to my room they wheeled my huge bed into the NICU to see him. He was so pitiful looking. He had a central line in his belly button so we couldn't hold him, otherwise the line would move, puncture a vein and cause him to bleed out. He had a tubes through his nose for oxygen, IVs running on his arms and contraptions hooked to him in all sorts of places. I was devestated. I remember being completely numb - I literally had no feelings about it at all. By the time I went back to my room my family was there and my baby girl Gracie, and we really didn't know when Zade would come out of the NICU - we were still waiting on the NICU doctor to come tell us what was actually going on. When he finally did he told me that Zade would probably be in the NICU for 7 to 10 days and that I would probably be discharged long before Zade would be. That hurt. There was no way I was going home without my baby. I already decided I would send Matt home with Gracie and I'd stay. The very thought of just being in a Post-Delivery room at the hospital and having no baby in my arms was already hurtful.

By Monday morning I was able to get out of bed and boy did I! I wanted to go see my baby! I remember being wobbly legged and fragile after my first C-section - but this time I hopped out of bed and bent over to get my socks on, too! The nurse who was wheeling me down to the NICU was impressed! I still wasn't able to hold Zade nor feed him. His breathing wasn't slow enough to even be fed from a bottle so they were feeding him through a tube. I had lots of visitors come by and see me and I loved it! In fact, I hated being alone. When I was alone I had time to think and I didn't want to think because I would think about my fears. Fears of losing my baby. Later Monday afternoon, I got an awful headache caused by my spinal block and had to have an epidural of blood placed in my spine and that forced me to lay flat on my back for several hours. I was so upset because they didn't give me a chance to go see Zade before they did this so Matt went down and took video of him for me. I would love to share it with you but I can't seem to get it to work....grrr. Take my word for it, it's the sweetest ever!

On Tuesday, I was allowed to carefully hold him. I couldn't believe that finally 2 days after he was born I was able to hold him. I have to admit, I was scared, too! But I finally got over that fear and the mommy instinct took over. He was so sweet.

On Wednesday, I got to feed him a bottle for the first time! Each day, my OB doctor would come in and ask me if I wanted to stay since the baby was still here and I would say, "Yes, please!" So he would arrange it.

But, Thursday morning the nurse came in to warn me, that they would be sending me home that day. I wasn't happy about leaving my baby so, I marched myself down to that NICU and refused to move from the wheelchair until Matt came to pick up my stuff. Well, as luck would have it, the NICU nurse told us they were ready to release Zade on Friday and would allow us to stay in the family room with him that night. She told us to go eat some dinner, pick up some snacks, and come back and they would have him ready to spend the night with us in the family room. So we did! We brought family with us, too! Gracie got to see Zade for the first time. She liked him, too.

Our sleepover went smoothly so we were allowed to take Zade home on Friday afternoon! I can't tell you the sigh of relief we both sighed. On the way home, we both admitted, finally, just how scared we were and just how hard we had been praying for our baby.

Needless to say, our Zade is perfectly fine, now, and has never had any difficulties since - except maybe difficulties keeping his mouth shut! Ha!

It's interesting to me as to how my kid's personalities were revealed even before they were born. Gracie was super uneventful in the womb - she never turned and had to be removed from my tummy! And as she's grown she's taken her sweet, precious time doing anything, whether it be developmentally or things like cleaning her room! Zade on the other hand, came a month early left the NICU 3 days sooner than we were told he would, and has done anything and everything he's wanted to as soon as he wants to ever since. He is a great kid! Where I find myself stressed out about things Zade can bring the giggles out of me. For instance, I was trying to get him to hurry and go potty before bed and he kept goofing off so I gave him on of those loving thumps on his sweet little head and his reply to me was, "Girl, you better watch it!" and I lost it. I made the mistake of laughing and he knew he had me so I really didn't get a chance to correct him so - if you're ever wondering why my son's a brat - that would be why.

I'm so happy that God gave us Zade. He really is a great kid, he's easy going and comical. He worships the ground his Daddy walks on and that makes me love him even more. In fact, when I tell Zade that I love him he'll usually say, " I not love you. I love Daddy." This doesn't break my heart like I make out like it does, because I know he does love me.

I'm so thankful that I serve a Lord who has complete control of the situation and answered my prayers that week 3 years. I know there are people out there that have gone through things with their children that are far more tragic this that we have. It makes me realize what a blessing I have in these 2 kids. I know God has a plan for each of my kids and that plan involves me as their mommy. That's a big job, that I can't do alone. I have to put my trust in Him, to guide me each day, to guide them down the path He wants each of them to go down.

My prayers go out to those who are dealing with ill children or for those who have lost a child in one way or another. I know how much my kiddos mean to me - so I can not imagine the struggle and hurt these parents go through.

If you're looking for an uplifting, yet heart-wrenching blog to read go to www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com It is the story of a member of the group Selah. I've included some of their songs on my playlist. They rock.

Well, I've rambled on enough. Thanks for letting me gush over my baby boy!